my friend won't text me back and i'm suicidal; if he'd just talk to me i think it'd help. why is he ignoring me in the first place? we were hanging out only two days ago. nothing bad happened between us. i'm always there when he needs me, why won't he be here for me? i need to go.
Although I don't totally believe in zodiac garbage, I will say that the past two guys I've liked have been cancers. And they did N O T work out. Obviously. The first one was really lovey dovey, relationship-potential for like a week and then became the biggest asshole I've ever met (aka the guy I was saying may have took my virginity. The other one just says he isn't looking for a relationship atm, although I'm "really pretty and my music taste is amazing." But whatever.
There's a friend of mine who's probably one of my best friends and he told me he liked me in his car like a week ago. I played it off and pretended to be clueless about it but to be honest, I've always known. I just don't know. I don't know if I'd ever date this guy, even if he's not a cancer. I like our friendship a lot. It's probably best to remain a friendship. If something happened between us and then ended, and I didn't have him anymore to talk to or hang out with, it'd depress the fuck out of me. He knows like all of my secrets. I tell him everything, even when I don't want anyone to know about something. It's like I just feel comfortable talking to him about my life.
I get to see him in a few days, he was out of town. I'm excited.
So something I think is incredibly cool about this blog is the fact that literally nobody knows who's behind the keyboard. None of you know who I am, and that's incredibly refreshing in some way. I can be brutally honest about some aspects of my life and it's all okay. You can judge me, but you can't really judge ME, you know? I think I'm definitely going to put more use to this blog. So get ready for that.
And I know this is a blog about me and my life, but if you guys feel like commenting anything about yourselves, feel free. As much as I may seem like I don't care, I actually do care about you guys. I mean, I'm writing to you all with some pretty personal info. I think we're already pretty close ;)
Guys, there is SO MUCH I have to tell you!
First things first, I'm not a virgin anymore. It happened a few months ago and to be honest, I'm not even happy about it. He turned out to be the biggest piece of shit, so of course I have my regrets. We didn't even fully have sex, I pushed him off of me so many times, maybe it didn't even count?? Maybe I'm still a virgin!
Anyhow, I've decided to start working on myself starting tomorrow. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I really need to cut the toxic people out of my life. Remember when I mentioned having no friends? I actually miss that. And the guy I might have lost my virginity to? I spent the night at his house last night. He kept making out with me and continuously tried to fuck me. But I've learned that its really something I could never want from him. Everything about him disgusts me. He's definitely never hearing from me again. I've already blocked his number.
I'm really highly considering moving out of this shitty city this year. I'm turning eighteen soon, I can do what I please. I also picked up on smoking cigarettes regularly, so I'm feeling pretty shitty about that. But things change. I'm obviously not the same person I was four months ago. I'm a whole new me, even if it's not the best version of myself. It's new. And I guess we're always changing. And life's always changing us.
I don't know. I guess I actually didn't say very much like you were probably expecting. But I will be writing more. I forgot all about this little blog and I'm surprised people still continue to check it out. I saw the stats, some of you guys are here everyday! That's insane! I have a lot of love for those of you who don't me shit. Speaking of which, Amy, if you see this, you know who you are. The supposed 'Katie Kampenfelt" you're saying was found dead in December? That's such bullshit, Katie Kampenfelt is fiction! Who do you think I am? I'm definitely not Katie Kampenfelt. Also I've had this blog since April of 2015. So I mean, I've been here awhile. Get lost!
i don't know, maybe i'll kill myself.
no, that's not like me. maybe i'll just run away. I'll never come back.
all i know at this moment is that i'll be out of this stupid city next may for sure. you watch me.
To the guy I know who got his heart broken within these past couple of days...
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this, and she didn't deserve you.
EDIT: I take back this post. Fuck him, fuck her, fuck them.
Life has been stressful.
It's hard to have an easy life when everything starts getting complicated. That's an obvious fact. But its true and there are many things becoming more and more complicated in my life. Oh boy, I can't wait to be eighteen..
The other day I went to lunch with my sister and on my way to the restroom there was a small boy standing in my way with a plastic gun in his hand. "Excuse me," I said in that fake expression you use with children to hide your feelings. He didn't even move. He just put that plastic gun up to his temple and said, "boom." I uncrossed my arms which I hadn't even known I'd crossed and bent down and whispered, "beat it stranger," which for some reason had scared him off. But I guess that was the point. I spent the rest of my time in that diner 'angrily' eating my food and giving him some faux dirty looks while my sister went on and on about her drama in the background that I had been tuning out the entire time while nodding. As long as they see you nodding, you can listen to anything you'd like in your mind.
Waffles. That's what I had for lunch that day. And before you guys think I'm uncivil to young people, I'm really not. I was messing with that boy is all. But I suppose I owe it to myself to stop giving you guys little explanations for every single thing I write about on here so I'll stop doing that. Once I say I do something, I won't say why. It'll be up to you darling children to figure out why for yourselves if you're so interested or bothered by what I have to say.
Current song to match my feelings: 'Strip Croquet' by David Newman.
You ever wish your life was one of your favorite films? I want to push play on the remote control and just reach into the television screen, then grasp onto the sides and step into this film. I wouldn't have to live in such a messy year. The 2000's are such utter bullshit. What have people become? What have people done to each other? What what what ! I must know. Why couldn't these shitty years stay the same as the sixties or the seventies, or even the eighties perhaps. In those decades, people knew everything right. They knew how to dress, they knew how to treat each other, and most of all, they knew how to live. I know this sounds like such a dense rant, but I spend so much time thinking about living in the past. I hate everything about this current place in time.
I apologize for all of my past blog posts. They all sound extremely vacuous and I guess I kind of just wrote all over the place. I don't mean that my problems are gone, because they're still here and they keep on coming. I just mean all of my old posts sound so unintelligent.
Oh well, fresh start. So I did get a job after all! I work at this small record shop downtown, and its actually great! Pretty much everything I do that isn't at home is so so great. I can't stand home. Everything about this paint-chipping box reeks of lies and moth balls. Since I just wrote the most dramatic sentence I've ever written, let me tell you about what happened to me yesterday. I got yelled at almost every ten minutes, had my dad throw a book at me, and listened to my stepmom lie about me on the phone to my grandmother. How great, seeing as my grandma can be a complete bitch.
That's all yesterday's drama now. I just decided I won't let this intricate family mess with me or my life. Although I'm not quite old enough to move away and start my own life yet, I definitely consider doing so at least three times a day. Show's you guys just how much of a wreck my life is, doesn't it.
My life is so fucking ordinary. Maybe even less than ordinary if that's a thing. It's November and I still don't have a job. I remember applying to so many places and they just act like I'll get the job and then send a letter in the mail and fuck me over when I put so much work into my interviews and applications.
I really just need some friends though. I have a cute guy who only wants to hang out with me so he has someone to smoke weed with.. Is that a thing? Feeling the need to smoke with someone and not alone? I wouldn't know, I've never tried it. Maybe I should. I'd just come home and get my ass kicked though. Sigh.
Oh and I miss my ex terribly. But I'll tell you about that later. It's almost 11pm and I'm not really in the mood for writing anything right now. I know I haven't been online for a few months but I think I'll write something tomorrow for those of you who read my blog.