god i love my boyfriend, what an amazing person. i want to marry him someday.
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hey there friends. it's been awhile.
i believe i'm starting to truly find myself. i have such a great life set up currently. i have a boyfriend (he's totally in his thirties lol.) we have an apartment. i just got hired at a job i've wanted for awhiiiiile today. i have money. i have new friends. i have dreams and goals and i want to achieve them. life is so good to me lately. i just wanted to update the blog about my current status. i'm also curious where all of you readers are currently at in your own lives. how is everything? are you happy? is your job making you happy? what's your relationship status? what are your favorite hobbies? what dreams do you have? are you close to achieving them? tell your girl everything ! i'm always here and always listening : ) today i had a fucking revelation.
every single guy i liked, like really truly liked, has ended up ghosting me in the past. days of making out and hanging out just to be left on read and never spoken to again. the universe has been trying to tell me this entire time that this- this is not a time for me to be falling head over heels for men, trying to get into a relationship. no bitch, this is my time to be free and crazy and fun. the disappointing part about this is that deep down, i am such a little hopeless romantic. i want something that lasts, i want a real relationship. i've never been the girl to sleep with random men off tinder, but that's what the universe wants me to be. and you know what? i don't want to be that girl. i'm 21 now. people say this is the beginning of the years in which one like i should just have fun, no strings attached. i don't want that. that's my last resort honestly. but what do i do now? wait for ten years until i finally find someone to fall in love with me? i got invited to a bonfire tonight. i guess maybe this could be my last shot at trying to have a real relationship with someone before i just give up? i won't say his name. it's a pretty average one, though. but you guys.... he's INCREDIBLY gorgeous. i'm pretty sure i've had a fat crush on this guy since i was what, 14? we finally messaged each other after all these years just the other night. and now we're finally going to meet. i don't want to be too hopeful. i know what my past looks like. but this guy? so far, he's very genuine. i'm not saying i think he likes me, but if he does, he's very good at keeping in contact. which no other fucking guy in my past has even tried to do. so we'll see what happens. i'm very excited. i'll talk to you later, maybe write a little tomorrow morning about how tonight goes? i gotta start getting ready. i gotta be cute, but casual, but oh so cute. anyone else feel like the world is ending? i feel so overwhelmed by everything that 2020 has consisted of so far. how much more can we all take? will we ever find a corona cure? will white people ever stop being so disgustingly racist? are wasps and mosquitoes going to start killing us too? i can't take this anymore. i'm so done. i feel so tired. i want to give up. but i can't give up. i feel like there's so much i have yet to do, so many things i still need to accomplish. we'll all get through this someday. i just feel so tired.
i went to a protest on sunday. it was so beautiful and peaceful. and very very emotional. can everyone please just love one another? at the end of the day, we're all in this life thing together. i'm drunk.
i feel the strongest urge to rebrand myself. i'm tired of myslef. and apparently i am slurring through the keyboard but i'm not even going to stress about it. don't mind all of the spelling errors you're about to endure right now. like i said, i'm kinda drunk. and i'm feeling lots of feelings. i'm so tired of coming off the way i do on my social medias. it's boring. it's been the same fucking shit for what, five years??? damn i need to fucking experience change . i need to change everything. the person i am( i'm changing everyday but i always find change so hard to accept. i think i finally am), the aesthetics i've been dipped in, the clothes i wear, fucking EVERYTHING. i am not the same person i was a year ago. i am not the same person i was three years ago. i am not he same person i was a dam week ago! but nobody knows that. i come off as the same bitch. of course i feel so alone, like i have no friends. i come off as a BORING BITCH. i'm too tired to even finish this post. i'll write some more tomorrow. but damn i am like, in the middle of a fucking reawakening righgt now. Sorry to be so open with you guys today but fuck, I wanna get laid!!! I'm so deprived of sex over here. I've really been considering hitting up one of the cute guys I matched with on tinder, but half of them are across the globe and even if I met up with someone, I'd be so afraid they'd get me sick. FUCK OFF CORONA.
I can't even lie to you guys, I'm not that afraid of getting sick. Where I live, things are almost as they were before this virus shit. I guess I'm just afraid of any form of intimacy at all right now. This is what I get for hating my body. I'm too afraid of anyone looking at me. I'm three hours into a fast. Coffee and water only for as long as I can endure it. That's the plan for now. Because pretty soon I will have to start living life as I used to, but this time I want to enjoy it more. I want people to look at me and just want a piece. The good news is that if I can lose only ten pounds, I'd be back where I was only months ago. I can do that in a week or two, easy peasy! Lots of water and leg workouts until then. Oh yeah isn't that weird? I'm finally going to try to exercise everyday. I'm so light headed right now. Think I need to quit the nicotine like I'm quitting food. But everything's just one big addiction. Everyone's addicted to something. My brain loves nicotine and the feeling of hatred after a late-night binge I guess! But no more binges. Just thin limbs and looking pretty. I want to be pretty. Today I woke up and told myself that I was not going to eat for as long as I couldn't, but I already fucked that up. I got the munchies which is the only downside to smoking pot for me. I hate it! I wish weed made me thinner. I'd finally be satisfied with the way I look. Ugh, am I talking about my body again? Yuck. My fucking bad.
I called my dad today and he didn't really seem to care much to talk. I don't think he cares much for anything these days. He sent me birthday money a bit ago and was asking if I spent it on anything yet. I said I didn't but I didn't want to tell him I'm turning into a big ol' stoner and bought a bunch of marijuana in a bunch of different forms with it. I mean he knows, I think? Just don't want to risk being more of a disappointment to him. I know I already disappoint him major. I'm gonna go smoke some weed. Blunt or spliffy? I just got invited to a party. Usually I would already be on my way wearing my chunky green oversized crewneck, my favorite thing I've ever worn, but I'm just not feeling like myself tonight. And honestly I don't really feel like getting drunk in front of this guy. Last summer I went to church every Sunday with my roommates and I would see him there occasionally. He gives off the impression that he's so pure and christian but I haven't forgotten the handful of New Years' parties, my friend. He likes to get a little wild when he's drunk. It's the good kind of wild, but I don't know what he's like these days. We haven't had a face-to-face conversation since like, 2018 or something? And everything's weird between us because he used to really like me or something like that. Now he just asks me to a party every once in awhile. And every time I ask him who else will be there, it's always the same three names. What a party.
Why does he want me to be there so bad? Is it because I'd probably make a seemingly boring hangout session a little more interesting? Does he want to make a move on me? Has he ever even been laid? I told him we could try again next week and he said okay. This morning when I woke up, I was thinking about how I got so stoned last night and ate way too much junk. I hate myself for it but I'm doing a fast today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Pretty much for as long as I can before I can't anymore. I'm really starting to hate the word "can't." We can do whatever the fuck we want, right? This mindset is also just coming from my mom, who tells me, "you can always do something until you say that you can't do it. And even after you say you can't, you CAN still do it, you'd just be less likely to." I like to believe that's the truth (sorta.) Why don't we start setting goals and tell ourselves that we CAN do and we WILL do it? It sounds so lame, but I think it's pretty smart. Here, I'll go first: I CAN smoke a fat joint and I CAN stop eating and I CAN lose weight and I WILL like myself eventually. Aren't you bored of reading about my eating disorder at this point? I know you are because I'm tired of writing about it!
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AuthorAnonymous blogger trying to find myself. No, Katie Kampenfelt is not my name. Archives
July 2018
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