I am trying my hardest to keep a positive mind these days. A lot of things are starting to really get real in life and I am just so unprepared for it all. I also turned 20 recently. Nothing feels different. Everything's still pretty hard but like I said, I've been trying to see the bright side of everything, even when there really isn't one. Things will look up soon, right? I'm super broke, my bank account currently sits at $0.87. How exciting. I did get a job, but my interview was weeks ago and they only told me about it the other day. But I'm going back home ! That's what I'm really excited about, I just need to figure out my living situation lol. See how messy my life is? 
 I guess I didn't tell you guys I left my city for a couple of months. But I'm returning early next week and I am so not prepared. I've got a few days before I leave to try and make some extra cash to get myself prepared. I've considered sugar daddy's but I pussy out every time I get to a sign up page. My sixteen year-old self would be laughing at that. I was a little more gutsy back then. I also just don't find the idea of sleeping with someone for money to be of interest anymore. Funny how I say that like I've actually ever slept with someone before. Still a virgin at twenty, guys! But who cares really. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Does it really matter at all what I you? You still have no clue who I am. 
 
 I wonder when this blog will finally waste away. Will I always return here on random nights to spill a little about myself? Does anyone still read this blog? It says some of you are still around. If you're reading this, thank you for stopping by. I feel like the majority of people who find this blog don't care to comment, but on days when there are comments, they're always fun to read no matter how mean they could be. I think the anonymity helps the mean things not sting so much. Sometimes I laugh at them. Maybe I'm just a little bonkers or maybe it's just funny to read the mean messages and comments people send to me because they really don't have anything better to do than to judge someone they hardly know anything about. Anyways, leave a comment.

 I'll post again before my trip. Someone smoke a blunt for me, I haven't smoked in a good minute. rip. :-/

 I always say at the end of my posts that I'll write another the next day and then I don't and I'm sorry. But I got a little busy yesterday and besides, are any of you still around? Do any of you still read the blog? My blog stats tell me you are still here but I haven't heard from any of you in a long time. Anyways. Today's the day I'm meeting up with him and I was a bit nervous before but now I'm just extremely nervous. And why is that? I really shouldn't be feeling this way at all. 
 I don't really have much to say today like I thought I did. Actually I just don't feel like writing about anything. Maybe I'll write an update tomorrow on how tonight goes? Is that good enough? I feel like a bin today and I'm pretty sure I'm giving myself a stroke over this guy sooooooo we'll have to just see what happens. I'm sorry I'm a pathetic blogger. Hope your day is much more stress-free than mine is going. xo

 Well hello! It's been such a long time since I've written anything here and I miss it. I do want to start writing more frequently so if you've been waiting to see more, it's finally happening.
  I wanted to write about a lot of the things that have happened to me since we've last talked but I don't want to think about that stuff today. Maybe I'll just write about a couple things. What I'll say for now is, I'm not good but I'm not really bad either. Life's okay. Not great, but it's okay. I'm meeting up with someone this week who I was once a little close with. We're just grabbing coffee I think and talking a bit. I don't think it'll turn into anything again but I still get anxious just thinking about it. I really loved that guy, I still do. And it's just going to be so strange seeing him again after so many months. But I think it'll go just fine and I'm not going into this looking for anything at all because I don't expect he'd want to. He's the one who hurt me, I just need to keep reminding myself that and maybe that will make things easier. We just need to be friends. I'm not looking for the rest.

  I haven't hung out with anyone in weeks. I feel so isolated but I keep telling myself that if none of my friends are inviting me to hang out or even just shoot me a text once in awhile, they don't want me around. And if that's the truth then I definitely do not need them around. So this solitude thing is a bit depressing to me. But it's also been pretty nice. I've been writing more and drawing, reading more books, playing some music when nobody's around to hear me. It's not all bad, it's actually a really nice way of the universe giving me time to work on myself! Improve, learn, blah blah blah. I appreciate it. 
  I also have been looking into some more ways I can put myself out there career-wise. As in acting and singing. I know that sounds like every person's dream ever, but I'm getting way more serious about it now. Don't worry, I'm not leaving the blog yet. I'm still researching how to even get started in those areas. But until I book my first audition (or even after that!) or play my first big gig in front of a large crowd of strangers, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, maybe I'll write about a bit of that here, give you guys a peek into that life as well. I think it'll be great. I'm nowhere even close to an audition but like I said, I'm doing a lot of research on how I can get that stuff started. It's pretty exciting to be honest!

 I think that's all for now. I'll definitely write up something interesting tomorrow. I've still got a lot I haven't said obviously, and this is the first post in months so I kind of owe it. Talk soon. Much love, you strangers! xoxo  

 it's around 4:30 ish in the morning as i type this sentence, meaning when this post is published it obviously is going to be a few minutes after that. not sure why i wanted to put that in there. anyways, so yes it is..... 4:33 to be exact ! i think i'm going to roll myself a spliff with my sister's weed and sit outside while the color slowly finds its way back into the sky. i did it yesterday morning around this time and it was incredibly comfy and wonderful. and it also helps me sleep a little because in case you couldn't tell by me typing this at, once again, 4:30ish in the morning, i don't get good sleep almost ever.
 
  i think i'll be able to write up another post some time later on today. i finally got back on social media and stuff after ten whole days. wOw how amazing ! lol.
 i definitely know some of the things i want to do with my life though. i thought a lot about it tonight and i am really excited about it, i hope the future will hold great things for me and things that i want to accomplish. i will write all about these plans in the post i make later. please send some good luck my way. i can't take any more of the bad and the stress acne i discovered yesterday needs to go away like, yesterday. 

 xoxo

 i am just incredibly stressed and sad and anxious and a mix of every feeling i don't like. i wish this all was over. i wish my life wasn't leading me towards some depressing phase. i keep thinking to myself how nice it would be if i were to die today, but then i ask myself why. it's strange. i want to die but i also know deep down that this shitty time i'm going through isn't going to last forever. i need to hold on for just a little bit longer. i know something great is waiting for me after i make it through this rough time. i just need the strength.

 i hate the way friends treat you once they get a girlfriend/boyfriend. they totally put you behind them and don't even care to keep in contact. they don't even care to talk to you when they run into you at concerts or see you at the coffee shop. it's kind of fucking rude and it just makes me want to tell them to never talk to me or contact me again. they probably wouldn't anyways. the friend i'm talking about is someone i've kissed before. but it doesn't make our friendship weird to me. maybe that's why he never says anything other than hello. he thinks it's weird. but why would it be weird? we talked about how we'd still be friends afterwards. i've never had a friendship ruined over a kiss before. i don't understand it. a kiss is something so small and so stupid if we're being honest. a kiss does not have the power to separate two friends. maybe he's just immature ? i don't know. maybe i really should just forget about him for good. it's really hard doing that when you live five minutes apart and you see them all over town. but i'm leaving soon and i hope that maybe that will be our end. our finale. it'll be a quiet one too, but we don't need to make a big deal out of it. i have a love for him and i wish him well, but maybe we need to say our final goodbyes. i'm tired.

 yes i'm still alive.

i don't know what good luck is. this week has been a really shitty one and i can't wait for this little period of time to just end. i am not happy. i am sad and tired and i wish i could sleep forever. i don't want to get into detail of everything because i'm truly tired of thinking about it and talking about it. but i hope things start getting better. i hate the feeling that i'm going to fall into depression again. i don't know how to get out of this weird time. and i also feel like i am so stuck in this place; like this actual place that i am in. i wish i could leave, run away, just move somewhere else and life would be better. but i feel so stuck here right now and i wish i wasn't.

   

 what does it mean to dream? to dream about somebody you might possibly have just the smallest crush on, but its not really that big of a deal? i mean he's kinda cute. he's always nice to me whenever i see him, always gives me hugs before he leaves parties, he's just a nice guy. do i even really like him? if i don't, why am i dreaming of him?

 i can't believe i actually feel guilty for liking somebody else other than him. like he hurt me and he's already with somebody else so why should i feel bad for having feelings for another guy right?? but i do and i don't know why and i know if i were to ever have the opportunity to go out with this new guy i probably wouldn't. something in me is literally just waiting for him to come back to me. why won't he come back already.

good morning! i went to the theater last night, the film was pretty good. we had popcorn and candy and it was alright, i went with my sister. the last time i went to the theater i went with that guy and our friends. i kept thinking about that night throughout the movie, i wish i didn't. in fact i don't know why i spend so much time thinking about him anyways. he hurt me. he made me a second option, i'm literally his second choice and it fucking hurts, and i know how stupid i am because if he were to come after me again i would let him. i know he'd probably fuck up my feelings over again but my heart is too kind when it comes to him. i keep telling myself i hate him but i don't. i never will but i wish i did. i wish i could move on already. it's getting close to a month since it happened. i wish i could move on and forget about him and be happy but i don't think i can and it hurts. i find myself smiling sometimes but then its like my brain tells me to stop having fun because i should be sad. i wish i could give him a letter telling him how i feel and i wish he would read it and know the effect he has on me .