good morning! i went to the theater last night, the film was pretty good. we had popcorn and candy and it was alright, i went with my sister. the last time i went to the theater i went with that guy and our friends. i kept thinking about that night throughout the movie, i wish i didn't. in fact i don't know why i spend so much time thinking about him anyways. he hurt me. he made me a second option, i'm literally his second choice and it fucking hurts, and i know how stupid i am because if he were to come after me again i would let him. i know he'd probably fuck up my feelings over again but my heart is too kind when it comes to him. i keep telling myself i hate him but i don't. i never will but i wish i did. i wish i could move on already. it's getting close to a month since it happened. i wish i could move on and forget about him and be happy but i don't think i can and it hurts. i find myself smiling sometimes but then its like my brain tells me to stop having fun because i should be sad. i wish i could give him a letter telling him how i feel and i wish he would read it and know the effect he has on me .
today was below average. i wanted to go out but i didn't. we had manicotti for dinner. i stepped out for a smoke four times today, so much for quitting a month ago. i want to go to the cafe tomorrow and write in my journal. i think being in this house for more than a day makes my head foggy.
First off, Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2018 treats ya well.
Oh gosh have I been through a lot of shit since we last spoke. I've made friends, lost friends, had my heart crushed, my depression is back, anxiety is through the roof, just a whole lot of crazy nonsense and hurting. I think I'll spare you the details for my own sake, but I do want to discuss all the feelings and change I've been dealing with.
I honestly am so deeply hurt over the mini heartbreak I've experienced a little over two weeks ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it, I thought things were going great between him and I and I guess he didn't feel the same way. Either that or he just thought I was a bad kisser. But the heartache, the fucking heartache that I've been feeling hasn't left since the day he told me he didn't think it was gonna work out between us. He's even been hanging out with another girl already, after telling me that he also doesn't think he could give our relationship the time it would need right now. I'm so confused! Am I just ugly? Am I too awkward? We have many common interests, music specifically. I know my love for Brand New and Star Wars was likely my most attractive trait. I just don't know what went wrong. Because nothing did!
I joke with my friend about how I'm likely to pass out and die one of these days, because if you know what actual heartbreak and heartache feels like, you know it sucks. It feels unbearable! I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I've gone with friends to so many parties the past few weeks, because everyone says alcohol is the answer and it probably is. But I always get extremely emotional about this whole mess when I'm drunk. I try to take my mind off of it, I try to forget about it for a while and have a good time with everyone. But it just takes up my whole mind. I see his face every time I close my eyes! It's tough! I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.
I know I said I was gonna spare the details but it looks like I kind of dived right into it a little. My apologies, but that's also kind of what this blog is for ya know.
I do want to reach out to all of you, though, and ask you for some advice. For those of you out there who've experienced this kind of thing, how do you cope? What do you do to take your mind off of things? Is there anything I can do to try to even get over this once and for all? And recommending writing is not allowed. I'm already a writer and every time I open my journal, my pen only knows how to write about him.
Any advice, at all, is very much needed. All my love.
I guess I'll just talk a little bit about what's been happening lately.
And not much, really, has happened. I've been in a weird sort of depressive state for awhile, but not like that's new or anything.. I'm also moving away soon. It won't be permanent, just for a little while. Just to kind of get my fucking shit together like I should've done a long time ago.
I'm starting to focus more on writing. I haven't really sat down and took any time to do so in sooo long, but as of right now it seems as if I've got all the time in the world for things like writing and reading and drawing etc.
I also apologize for not writing in awhile. Life gets hectic sometimes. But I'm hoping things start working out soon, because I am so tired. Mentally and physically. I used to want to get out of bed early each morning and go out and do something with my day. Now I'm broke and only have the motivation to waste my day away sleeping until 4 in the afternoon. I don't really know how my sleep schedule got that fucked up.
Oh I almost forgot, I'm also working on some covers as well! Song covers, I mean. I've been practicing a few whenever I'm home alone. I don't know if I'll ever get to posting them up anywhere, but at least I'm working on them. Do you guys have any song recommendations I could maybe work with? Feel free to comment :-)
Have a good day. Honestly. Make it a good one.
i think this was the worst weekend of my life. so much dumb shit happened, and i am so fucking tired. i wanna jump off of my roof just to feel something. everything's a fucking mess. i actually just wanna die. that works too.
I'm so embarrassed at myself. A 'friend' of mine has been blowing me off for like the past month just because I friend zoned him one night when we were drunk. And I'm so fucking embarrassed because now that he's all pissy about it, I just kind of miss him. Like I wanna hop on his dick and he's not even my type, like what the fuck. But this whole situation is kind of annoying.
I'm starting the new season of oitnb. Kinda wanna go swimming. Do any of you have your own pool? Can I come over? I've been swimming in a public pool the last two days and I'm really not feeling it lmao. I don't like swimming while a bunch of middle school boys talk about my tits.
Anyways I don't know what this post is trying to say or what its even about or why I even wrote it but its whatever. I'll probably have something interesting for you guys tomorrow. Summer is finally here. Summer is finally happening. Things are finally happening. I am actually starting to live.
i ended up going swimming for like half an hour today, i smoked way too much weed before we went to the pool and i wasn't feeling it anymore, now i'm just so sleepy.
also just went to mcdonalds and ordered a chicken sandwich w/ a coke. kind of wish i didn't get anything. i'm wearing a fucking bikini and eating mcdonalds. i'm gross. if i wasn't sitting in this car parked in front of the clinic i would purge right now.
tonight wasn't what i expected it to be. in fact nothing went as planned. i was supposed to go swimming with my friend and a couple of goofy boys we call our friends for some reason. but then i just didn't go and went for a cup of coffee instead. usually this is fun for me. sitting in the cafe, talking to the barista (aka my fucking cruuuUush) etc. we ended up longbording for a little while after he got off work. it was fine. it was an okay night. i feel like i just expected more out of it, like i expected something to happen. nothing did.
if there's one thing i know for sure though, it's that i need to get over that stupid crush. i don't think we'll ever happen, so why let myself suffer for so long? gosh guys, how do you get over somebody? any tips? this is hard /:
i'll be updating tomorrow, it's supposed to be an eventful day. we'll see! xo
My life has just gone to shit within the past few weeks. I got fired for asking for one single day off, I feel like I'm slowly dissociating from all of my friends. etc. Things just seem shitty and they won't get any better. I think I want a therapist. Someone to talk to, someone who'll actually listen to me even if its only because they're getting paid to listen to me. I just need someone to FUCKING listen for once.
I am depressed. i don't know when that happened but yikes, here I am again in this stupid depression hell. I mean I just wanted to get that out, i don't really know what to say about it though so lets just forget that. Anyways.
I've actually been considering being a possible sugar baby. Like doesn't that sound crazy???? I know. I agree. But here I am, broke as fuck. And guys taking me out to dinner wouldn't be so bad. I just need a platonic sugar daddy. I don't feel like giving any sugar you feel me. I could be rich that way. I could finally do something with myself. Finally get a car, finally get the FUCK out of this stupid city, just finally live! I don't know, that thought is still being considered but I'll get back to you all really soon on that one.
Gosh it feels like its been forever since I last updated. I apologize to those of you out there who maybe possibly even enjoy reading about my bullshit life. And I apologize to those of you out there who are getting sick of all my cursing. But hey, its who I fucking am ;) Alright. I'm signing off for the night. I'm gonna go start working on a little project I've been thinking about for awhile now. Take care of yourselves! xo
my friend won't text me back and i'm suicidal; if he'd just talk to me i think it'd help. why is he ignoring me in the first place? we were hanging out only two days ago. nothing bad happened between us. i'm always there when he needs me, why won't he be here for me? i need to go.