it's around 4:30 ish in the morning as i type this sentence, meaning when this post is published it obviously is going to be a few minutes after that. not sure why i wanted to put that in there. anyways, so yes it is..... 4:33 to be exact ! i think i'm going to roll myself a spliff with my sister's weed and sit outside while the color slowly finds its way back into the sky. i did it yesterday morning around this time and it was incredibly comfy and wonderful. and it also helps me sleep a little because in case you couldn't tell by me typing this at, once again, 4:30ish in the morning, i don't get good sleep almost ever.
 
  i think i'll be able to write up another post some time later on today. i finally got back on social media and stuff after ten whole days. wOw how amazing ! lol.
 i definitely know some of the things i want to do with my life though. i thought a lot about it tonight and i am really excited about it, i hope the future will hold great things for me and things that i want to accomplish. i will write all about these plans in the post i make later. please send some good luck my way. i can't take any more of the bad and the stress acne i discovered yesterday needs to go away like, yesterday. 

 xoxo

 i am just incredibly stressed and sad and anxious and a mix of every feeling i don't like. i wish this all was over. i wish my life wasn't leading me towards some depressing phase. i keep thinking to myself how nice it would be if i were to die today, but then i ask myself why. it's strange. i want to die but i also know deep down that this shitty time i'm going through isn't going to last forever. i need to hold on for just a little bit longer. i know something great is waiting for me after i make it through this rough time. i just need the strength.

 i hate the way friends treat you once they get a girlfriend/boyfriend. they totally put you behind them and don't even care to keep in contact. they don't even care to talk to you when they run into you at concerts or see you at the coffee shop. it's kind of fucking rude and it just makes me want to tell them to never talk to me or contact me again. they probably wouldn't anyways. the friend i'm talking about is someone i've kissed before. but it doesn't make our friendship weird to me. maybe that's why he never says anything other than hello. he thinks it's weird. but why would it be weird? we talked about how we'd still be friends afterwards. i've never had a friendship ruined over a kiss before. i don't understand it. a kiss is something so small and so stupid if we're being honest. a kiss does not have the power to separate two friends. maybe he's just immature ? i don't know. maybe i really should just forget about him for good. it's really hard doing that when you live five minutes apart and you see them all over town. but i'm leaving soon and i hope that maybe that will be our end. our finale. it'll be a quiet one too, but we don't need to make a big deal out of it. i have a love for him and i wish him well, but maybe we need to say our final goodbyes. i'm tired.

 yes i'm still alive.

i don't know what good luck is. this week has been a really shitty one and i can't wait for this little period of time to just end. i am not happy. i am sad and tired and i wish i could sleep forever. i don't want to get into detail of everything because i'm truly tired of thinking about it and talking about it. but i hope things start getting better. i hate the feeling that i'm going to fall into depression again. i don't know how to get out of this weird time. and i also feel like i am so stuck in this place; like this actual place that i am in. i wish i could leave, run away, just move somewhere else and life would be better. but i feel so stuck here right now and i wish i wasn't.

   

 what does it mean to dream? to dream about somebody you might possibly have just the smallest crush on, but its not really that big of a deal? i mean he's kinda cute. he's always nice to me whenever i see him, always gives me hugs before he leaves parties, he's just a nice guy. do i even really like him? if i don't, why am i dreaming of him?

 i can't believe i actually feel guilty for liking somebody else other than him. like he hurt me and he's already with somebody else so why should i feel bad for having feelings for another guy right?? but i do and i don't know why and i know if i were to ever have the opportunity to go out with this new guy i probably wouldn't. something in me is literally just waiting for him to come back to me. why won't he come back already.

good morning! i went to the theater last night, the film was pretty good. we had popcorn and candy and it was alright, i went with my sister. the last time i went to the theater i went with that guy and our friends. i kept thinking about that night throughout the movie, i wish i didn't. in fact i don't know why i spend so much time thinking about him anyways. he hurt me. he made me a second option, i'm literally his second choice and it fucking hurts, and i know how stupid i am because if he were to come after me again i would let him. i know he'd probably fuck up my feelings over again but my heart is too kind when it comes to him. i keep telling myself i hate him but i don't. i never will but i wish i did. i wish i could move on already. it's getting close to a month since it happened. i wish i could move on and forget about him and be happy but i don't think i can and it hurts. i find myself smiling sometimes but then its like my brain tells me to stop having fun because i should be sad. i wish i could give him a letter telling him how i feel and i wish he would read it and know the effect he has on me . 

 today was below average. i wanted to go out but i didn't. we had manicotti for dinner. i stepped out for a smoke four times today, so much for quitting a month ago. i want to go to the cafe tomorrow and write in my journal. i think being in this house for more than a day makes my head foggy. 

 First off, Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2018 treats ya well.

 Oh gosh have I been through a lot of shit since we last spoke. I've made friends, lost friends, had my heart crushed, my depression is back, anxiety is through the roof, just a whole lot of crazy nonsense and hurting. I think I'll spare you the details for my own sake, but I do want to discuss all the feelings and change I've been dealing with.
  I honestly am so deeply hurt over the mini heartbreak I've experienced a little over two weeks ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it, I thought things were going great between him and I and I guess he didn't feel the same way. Either that or he just thought I was a bad kisser. But the heartache, the fucking heartache that I've been feeling hasn't left since the day he told me he didn't think it was gonna work out between us. He's even been hanging out with another girl already, after telling me that he also doesn't think he could give our relationship the time it would need right now. I'm so confused! Am I just ugly? Am I too awkward? We have many common interests, music specifically. I know my love for Brand New and Star Wars was likely my most attractive trait. I just don't know what went wrong. Because nothing did!
   I joke with my friend about how I'm likely to pass out and die one of these days, because if you know what actual heartbreak and heartache feels like, you know it sucks. It feels unbearable! I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I've gone with friends to so many parties the past few weeks, because everyone says alcohol is the answer and it probably is. But I always get extremely emotional about this whole mess when I'm drunk. I try to take my mind off of it, I try to forget about it for a while and have a good time with everyone. But it just takes up my whole mind. I see his face every time I close my eyes! It's tough! I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.
  I know I said I was gonna spare the details but it looks like I kind of dived right into it a little. My apologies, but that's also kind of what this blog is for ya know. 
   I do want to reach out to all of you, though, and ask you for some advice. For those of you out there who've experienced this kind of thing, how do you cope? What do you do to take your mind off of things? Is there anything I can do to try to even get over this once and for all? And recommending writing is not allowed. I'm already a writer and every time I open my journal, my pen only knows how to write about him. 

   Any advice, at all, is very much needed. All my love. 

       x

  I guess I'll just talk a little bit about what's been happening lately. 
And not much, really, has happened. I've been in a weird sort of depressive state for awhile, but not like that's new or anything.. I'm also moving away soon. It won't be permanent, just for a little while. Just to kind of get my fucking shit together like I should've done a long time ago. 
   I'm starting to focus more on writing. I haven't really sat down and took any time to do so in sooo long, but as of right now it seems as if I've got all the time in the world for things like writing and reading and drawing etc.


   I also apologize for not writing in awhile. Life gets hectic sometimes. But I'm hoping things start working out soon, because I am so tired. Mentally and physically. I used to want to get out of bed early each morning and go out and do something with my day. Now I'm broke and only have the motivation to waste my day away sleeping until 4 in the afternoon. I don't really know how my sleep schedule got that fucked up. 
    Oh I almost forgot, I'm also working on some covers as well! Song covers, I mean. I've been practicing a few whenever I'm home alone. I don't know if I'll ever get to posting them up anywhere, but at least I'm working on them. Do you guys have any song recommendations I could maybe work with? Feel free to comment :-)

   Have a good day. Honestly. Make it a good one.
​                                                          xo