what does it mean to dream? to dream about somebody you might possibly have just the smallest crush on, but its not really that big of a deal? i mean he's kinda cute. he's always nice to me whenever i see him, always gives me hugs before he leaves parties, he's just a nice guy. do i even really like him? if i don't, why am i dreaming of him?
i can't believe i actually feel guilty for liking somebody else other than him. like he hurt me and he's already with somebody else so why should i feel bad for having feelings for another guy right?? but i do and i don't know why and i know if i were to ever have the opportunity to go out with this new guy i probably wouldn't. something in me is literally just waiting for him to come back to me. why won't he come back already.
good morning! i went to the theater last night, the film was pretty good. we had popcorn and candy and it was alright, i went with my sister. the last time i went to the theater i went with that guy and our friends. i kept thinking about that night throughout the movie, i wish i didn't. in fact i don't know why i spend so much time thinking about him anyways. he hurt me. he made me a second option, i'm literally his second choice and it fucking hurts, and i know how stupid i am because if he were to come after me again i would let him. i know he'd probably fuck up my feelings over again but my heart is too kind when it comes to him. i keep telling myself i hate him but i don't. i never will but i wish i did. i wish i could move on already. it's getting close to a month since it happened. i wish i could move on and forget about him and be happy but i don't think i can and it hurts. i find myself smiling sometimes but then its like my brain tells me to stop having fun because i should be sad. i wish i could give him a letter telling him how i feel and i wish he would read it and know the effect he has on me .
today was below average. i wanted to go out but i didn't. we had manicotti for dinner. i stepped out for a smoke four times today, so much for quitting a month ago. i want to go to the cafe tomorrow and write in my journal. i think being in this house for more than a day makes my head foggy.
First off, Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2018 treats ya well.
Oh gosh have I been through a lot of shit since we last spoke. I've made friends, lost friends, had my heart crushed, my depression is back, anxiety is through the roof, just a whole lot of crazy nonsense and hurting. I think I'll spare you the details for my own sake, but I do want to discuss all the feelings and change I've been dealing with. I honestly am so deeply hurt over the mini heartbreak I've experienced a little over two weeks ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it, I thought things were going great between him and I and I guess he didn't feel the same way. Either that or he just thought I was a bad kisser. But the heartache, the fucking heartache that I've been feeling hasn't left since the day he told me he didn't think it was gonna work out between us. He's even been hanging out with another girl already, after telling me that he also doesn't think he could give our relationship the time it would need right now. I'm so confused! Am I just ugly? Am I too awkward? We have many common interests, music specifically. I know my love for Brand New and Star Wars was likely my most attractive trait. I just don't know what went wrong. Because nothing did! I joke with my friend about how I'm likely to pass out and die one of these days, because if you know what actual heartbreak and heartache feels like, you know it sucks. It feels unbearable! I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I've gone with friends to so many parties the past few weeks, because everyone says alcohol is the answer and it probably is. But I always get extremely emotional about this whole mess when I'm drunk. I try to take my mind off of it, I try to forget about it for a while and have a good time with everyone. But it just takes up my whole mind. I see his face every time I close my eyes! It's tough! I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way. I know I said I was gonna spare the details but it looks like I kind of dived right into it a little. My apologies, but that's also kind of what this blog is for ya know. I do want to reach out to all of you, though, and ask you for some advice. For those of you out there who've experienced this kind of thing, how do you cope? What do you do to take your mind off of things? Is there anything I can do to try to even get over this once and for all? And recommending writing is not allowed. I'm already a writer and every time I open my journal, my pen only knows how to write about him. Any advice, at all, is very much needed. All my love. x |
AuthorAnonymous blogger trying to find myself. No, Katie Kampenfelt is not my name. Archives
July 2018
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