i hope everyone is doing well. i think i'm doing pretty okay these days. a lot has changed since we've last talked. i broke up with the last guy you heard about and am currently a little over a year in a new relationship. this one's a lot nicer <3 i started going to pilates pretty frequently but the body dysmorphia still exists and she's only getting stronger. i've gone through quite a lot of things since my last post, a lot of good things and some pretty shitty things too. but i'd say things aren't horrible, so i can't complain much.
i've been in a pretty major writer's block for the last couple of years. i'm trying to work my way out of it and feel like this blog might be the perfect place to get it all flowing again. after all, i've never really held back here. i've told you guys some pretty secret secrets. and for some reason a few of you still check in to this day ! i never thought i'd still be hanging on to this blog but honestly, i think it's about to have a reawakening.
i'm 24 now, almost 25. i think i started this blog almost ten whole years ago. it truly shouldn't exist anymore and i should probably let all of the words i've poured here be put to rest once and for all. but maybe they can linger a little longer. i might not have as much to say about men anymore considering i'm in a good relationship. i still struggle within various forms of eating disorders which was my other "hot topic" on here apparently. i don't even really get high or drink much anymore. i do however want to run downstairs and grab a beer from the fridge to accompany me while i sit here. in fact, give me a second while i go do that...
you know, i gotta say one of the most interesting thoughts i've gotta say i sit on occasionally is how much i miss how being a teenager felt. i almost have trouble describing what exactly i'm talking about. i know i'm not much older currently but i'm an actual adult now. the feeling is gone. or maybe that's not true. it lingers quite a bit in certain moments and days, but i know it's not real. i wish i could go back some days and redo things a bit differently. get the most out of those years. but i will never be able to do that, and i will never be able to change anything. and i have to come to terms with the idea that all i can do is just make the most of what i have now and what i have left. and maybe i don't ever have to stop feeling young in the process.
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i think i am currently in the process of a huge rebrand for myself. i want to work on and change a lot about me as a whole. i'm embarrassed to say that i am diving back in deep into my ed bullshit. but i am not afraid of it. i want to clean out my closet and get rid of everything i never touch and know fully well i never will, yet somehow have such a hard time getting rid of. i want to give myself a hair cut. i want to stop drinking beer. i want to stop stressing so much. i want to form healthy routines in every aspect. i want to write again. i want to read again. i want to go to the dentist. i want to start a podcast. i want to like tomatoes. i want to be a good person through and through.
i never know how to end these, but i think i'm going to do so now. i'm working on figuring out a skincare routine for bedtime. i found legit dr jart face masks at tj maxx last weekend i've been dying to try, hopefully i don't wake up regretting it. i hope all of you have a lovely little night. don't do anything i wouldn't do, and maybe don't do anything i would do?
xo